Rowan’s Bottom Movies of 20105

Sorry about the delay. But considering a large portion of the city I live in is underwater, I think a one-day delay is pretty good. Well I promised it and here it is the bottom of the barrel for entertainment in 2010: Rowan’s “worst of” list. Now 2010 was not a very good year for movies all up, we got a handful of greats and a lot of meh. Businesswise a few of the really good movies did very poorly while many of the meh movies did well. I guess people are lowering their standards. But there were some definite duds and some definite disappointments so let’s get into it:

Vampires Suck – is a movie I still can’t believe that I actually sat through. I get it Twilight is stupid.  I agree. In fact I make jokes about it myself constantly, and every single one is over a hundred times funnier than anything in this movie. Have you ever wondered why spoof movies aren’t funny anymore? Well I can tell you, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the biggest hacks in Hollywood, that’s why. With their thirteen-year-old humour as the only selling point, we’ve seen some real gems like Epic Movie and Disaster Movie. Clearly they are a cancer that is slowly killing good taste and we have to learn that as long as we keep feeding them, they won’t die. I mean I wasn’t expecting much and why should I, but the fact this so called “movie” made more money than Scott Pilgrim one of the best movies of the year makes me want to give up on the human race. Therefore it deserves a dishonourable mention.

The Expendables / Alice in Wonderland – I had to split this spot over two because out of all the movies on this list, these are the movies I had such high hopes for. I wouldn’t even say that they are terrible, just painfully disappointing. The idea of seeing a bunch of classic action heroes fighting side by side in homage to the macho action movies of the eighties and nineties seemed great. Also having Tim Burton tackle material about a world of twisted crazy people just made sense. There was a lot of build up to both these movies and what the trailers showed just got people more excited. Then we saw them. Sigh! The Expendables was a bore with nothing interesting or original in it. With all the big name action heroes in this movie, you think they would give them something to do.  The action was dull, the story nonexistent and the characters completely wasted. We had a plethora of “men on a mission” films last year and the best one was still probably The A-Team. As for Alice, they pretty much missed the whole point. Wonderland was always meant to be a world inhabited by mental patients where very little made sense. But instead they just remade the first Narnia film. A quest, a destiny and a big battle at the end, that’s it. This is a completely generic fantasy film with a pretty backdrop and not much else. Sure there are some interesting characters, but again they just have them pick sides in a civil war instead of exploring the crazy ideas they embodied. Skip this one and watch the 1951 Disney animated version, so much better.

Skyline – WOW that happened! I heard this movie was bad, but damn it was really bad. Now this is an alien invasion movie, but you have to understand that this is an alien invasion movie on a budget. With that in consideration the special effects are pretty good for a movie that cost less than twenty million. But there is almost nothing good here. It’s pretty much the same recycled alien invasion crap we’ve seen for the last sixty years. Believe it or not, the aliens are actually here to eat our brains. Doesn’t that just scream cheap, 1960’s sci-fi. Here’s a quick tip for the Brothers Strause. If you don’t have the budget of Independence Day then don’t focus so much on the aliens, focus on the human drama and let the invasion be a backdrop. This of course means writing something for the characters to say or do and someway for them to develop other than “Aliens, bad, don’t die”. If you want to see an alien movie made on the cheap that is actually engaging on any level, two words, District Nine.

The Last Airbender – is not a movie that would be on most people’s “worst of” list. Unless of course you’ve seen the cartoon series Avatar: The Last Airbender, in which case you would understand and join the angry mob with pitchforks and torches. It’s one of my favourite animated series in the last decade and I must confess to peeing a little when I heard it was being adapted for the big screen. But of course then came the news that it was being directed by the most unlikely of all directors M Night Shyamalan and my heart sank. M Night’s ability to turn a great thing (like his own career) into piles of shit is nothing less then magical. The Last Airbender is definitely 2010’s answer to Transformers, by that I mean a good property that suffers because of a director who is clearly wrong for the material. It was painful watching the film try to cram an entire season of TV into two hours forcing them to leave out all the humour, the character and the heart from the show. To be honest, watching this movie reminds you that this is a great story that should never have been adapted to film.

Nightmare on Elm Street – Is a movie I already did a review on (see here) so I’ll keep it short. Just another crappy horror remake riding on the name of its predecessors. Not scary in the least, with more wasted potential than likeable characters. This is the flip side to Inception, in that it looks at the world of dreams but fails to realise that can actually be interesting. This is one of those movies that make you realise that Hollywood is out of ideas. So they have to relaunch old franchises but have no idea how to make them scary again. Epic fail on this one, shame on you Platinum Dunes, please stop fucking stuff up. Friday the 13^th and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre were bad, but this one really pissed me off. Maybe it’s because I always sort of liked Freddy.

Well that’s it for me. There is also lots more crap from last year, like: Red –Pretty much the Expendables again but with less happening. Legion – In the end God forgives Paul Betany for making such a crappy movie. And of course 3D – just quit already, we’re over it. If you have any really good or really crappy movies from 2010, please post them in the comments section. Now I’m off to save my house from being flooded, so everyone stay safe. Till next time.

Rowan